You See Us Rollin'

     I'm here to announce that Zach and I have officially moved into the van and I am so fucking stoked about it.  My brother and I built a bed frame around the wheels so that we could fit our mattress inside and have storage underneath the bed also.  Before we moved out of the Subaru every day I felt weighed down by having so many things in the car.  Now that we are in the van I feel like we have hardly any possessions.  There's so much room for activities!  We are still saving up for that short bus (it's the only one they'll let me ride in) so it's kind of the only logical next step for us.

ANYWHO I have pictures of this bed that we built!

Hasta La Vista,

ButtPunch

Update: 2 Months

We are coming up on out two month mark here in Subaru Legacy luxury land, so far so good.  We will be upgrading to a van soon with the hopes of buying a short bus by mid summer. 

I never thought I would be so stoked to live in a van.  I keep having visions of enough head space to sit up and read at night, enough leg room to stretch out, enough spots for my clothes to shove into.  Right now it seems like the little things are everything. 

    Having an extra car will be nice since I'm currently working two jobs and Zach has his gig all in separate locations.  Coordinating schedules can get tricky.  Showers have been easy to come by thanks to all our amazing friends and family, alongside the totally tubular facilities that a local yoga studio can supply (two birds with one stone there, exercise, and cleanliness?  Check!).  Hopefully I'll get to a real computer where I can upload many photos to dazzle you with but for now I have to sleep, gotta work bright and early.  Duty calls.

Happy rubber tramp trails,

ButtPunch Oprah

The New Get Up and Go.

Remember those new adventures I was telling you of?  Oh you didn't read the last post?  That's ok because Ima tell you now!  

My husband and I officially moved into our car (by choice, yes we still have well paying jobs, yes we shower, yes it's comfortable.)about two weeks ago.  We are quickly learning that when living in a tiny (but also somehow spacious) Subaru Legacy...

LESS IS MORE.

We both knew this would be a learning curve but it's proving to really test our condensing skills greatly.  After all, we do love our knickknack collection ever so fondly.  However, I am determined to shake the dust off my feet and clutter out of my life!  I've gone through the car about twenty times deciding what we need, what we need to throw out.  I have a feeling that backpacking goods retailers are quickly going to be at the top of my list as far as "stores I go into so often it's a little creepy" list.  I mean fuck man, can you blame me?  The have a whole pot that you can cook, over a heated surface.  A pot, with cooking capabilities made from rubber and metal, that folds down for easy storage.    It's fucking nuts, and a veritable smorgasbord of compact living, "de clutter the fuck out of your life" wonderland.  

But now that I'm done ranting about camping goods and the like, and before I go on another rant about the wonders of retail facilities cross the nation in this day and age.  I'm just going to say that living on the go has been awesome.  I'm getting used to the small space, baby wipes are a lifesaver, and 24 hour bathrooms have been my companion.  I'm saving boat loads of money, and having adventures that weren't possible before.  This is the most free I've felt in a while.  I'm learning to love the simple nomadic lifestyle.   

Choo gotta,

Big Pimpin'

New Adventures Await Us and I'm Chasing Them as Hard as I can.

Zach (husband) and I are currently plotting our newest adventure.  We are in the process of packing up our things, decided what to keep, what to throw out.  Only holding onto what is absolutely necessary.  I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm stressed, I'm completely ready, I'm overwhelmed by how much I have to do.  But I'm jumping in head first because that how I roll.  We are chasing after our dream, it's going to be hard as hell but oh so worth it.  You'll never know if you never try, so...  We're trying.

You're gonna have to wait till next time to find out what life changes we are going through right now, I can't wait to tell you but all good things come to those who wait for me to post them....  I think that's how it goes anyways.

Hope your day is going amazingly.

Naymaystee,
Big Pimpin'

That One Post About Christianity

A year ago I decided to shake the dust off my feet and finally come out of the closet to my close friends and family as the one that left the flock.  The one that got away.  The black sheep.  The one who left the fold.  The one who rejected Christianity once and for all.

Fast forward a year and my stance hasn't changed, I still don't attend a weekly meeting with a bunch of other people I pretend to know to worship something I don't really believe even exists.  In a building made to be something more than it is, eating bread and drinking wine that has turned into something uber spiritual and disturbing on a level that feels a little akin to cannibalism.

People have told me "Oh Hannah but you are letting people ruin this for you." Or "Hannah we know that you have been hurt by church but you shouldn't let that turn you away from God."  While it's true that I was hurt by church deeply the thing I am thankful that they did was nudge me to dig deeper and to really look at everything that was going on around me, they nudged me to search through the bible for truth and meaning in my life that I actually really believed.  Suddenly, I realized that the more I read the bible the less it made sense.  The more I read the bible the more plot holes I could see.  Suddenly the elders at church saying "when the bible contradicts itself it's not actually doing that" started to rub me the wrong way. If it isn't contradicting itself then what the fuck is happening?  Nothing made sense, it didn't make sense that believing one tiny thing in the bible made some people go live in paradise forever and dis-believing in the same little tiny thing caused others to be damned to hell for eternity no matter how chill and loving that person was.  It didn't make any sense.  A "God of love" shitting all over everyone because he can?  A religion that discourages you from having experiences and learning about other things simply because it could show you something to contradict Christianity.  A community that rejects scientific findings because it doesn't fit with their  book.  A religion that stifles learning and free thinking is not a religion I want to be a part of.

So now, my church is a mountain, a forest, a stream where everything is quiet except the trees and birds around me singing of the glories of nature.  Singing their heart out just because they can.  I find spirituality in running through wheat fields, I find spirituality and peace in smoking a bowl with good friends and laughing till my sides hurt.  I find peace in running naked through the woods with my fellow humans.  I find comfort in the crackling of a fire.  I find fulfillment that I am here in this moment, I find fulfillment in just being, in feeling the love of the universe around me.

God is love, God is light, God is energy, God is in every single one of us, God is when we connect with another creature, God is us, God is this place, and I'm content and happy with that.

Hannah Dub

A Dreadful Head.

Coming up on my two month dread anniversary.  I love them more everyday.  Thought I'd share a photo here just cuz I can.  #basicbitchstatus.

Hope your evening is going well.  Light and love to you all.

Facepalm Queen

For Real

“Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste food when you eat, and when you sleep, really to sleep. Try as much as possible to be wholly alive with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell. And when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive.”
Ernest Hemingway 

Laisser tel quel.

Laisser tel quel.  Laisser tel quel is French for "Leave it be".  Why this phrase?  Allow me to elaborate.

I had given some serious thought to erasing everything that had ever been written on here and starting over as a new human being on the blog-sphere.  While yes it is true, I gave my little corner of the internet a new look, a new title, and I'll admit it does have more of an overall sense of foreboding.  However, I decided to leave all the things I wrote before for basically two reasons.

1. It shows who I used to be.
2.  Story-telling is very important.

It is important that you know who I used to be because who I am now doesn't make sense without that view into the fake happiness that I portrayed here.  Looking happy is a skill, it is a skill that I acquired over many years of oppression, fear, guilt, and distrust.  It is a skill that I still implement at times, but I need a place to put all my satirical meanderings and outlandish ideas about life.  I also need people, certain people to see what certain schools of thought do to the human psyche.  I have been more than damaged by sexism, cults, courtship, rigid fundamentalism, and patriarchy, I have been broken.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change the experiences I have had for they have made me who I am today.  But, I know I never want to make anyone feel the way that so many others made me feel growing up and as an adult.

I am much happier now that I allow myself to feel unhappiness, instead of shoving it down.  Running is never the answer.  The question will always follow you.  So, no more fake happiness for me.  Love with a pinch of sarcasm, (ok a semi-truck full) is my chosen mode of transportation through this beautiful, terrible, sorrowful, and exciting wild human experience.

So, after 2 years, being shunned, getting out of a cult, many therapy sessions, 3 court cases, 7 changes of address, 5 piercings, a suicide attempt, a tattoo, dreaded hair, and two summers of self loathing and selfish self absorption I finally feel free.  I am by no means at the end of my journey, I haven't arrived.  What I believe is, and always will be changing and morphing based on my experiences but that is the beauty of life is it not?

So, for those reasons I shall leave my blog be.  I shall "Laisser tel quel".  Feel free to meander through its various posts, as embarrassing to me as most of them are.  It's important to my story.  It's important to your understanding of where I have come from.  It's important.

The allergy is real, and sarcasm - my reaction.

Let the games begin.

-Facepalm Queen